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Post by Dusk on Nov 4, 2011 19:54:42 GMT -5
So, I trust you guys to give me some good advice that's slightly less biased than the advice I've gotten from friends at school. Friend trouble; heh, don't you hate that topic? >.< And at that, friend trouble mostly thanks to boyfriends. //headdesk Gonna try and keep this strictly factual, as little emotional input from me in explaining the background as possible.
Here's the deal, I've known my "best friend" (I'm gonna call her Rachel for ease of reference) for about 6 or 7 years, this goes back to elementary school that we've been close friends. She's got an oppressive mother (although as of 2 years ago she's been easing up on the restricted life) and has always been an easily depressed sort of kid. In fact, she was suicidal before I came along and befriended her. Needless to say we had it pretty good as friends for a while. I managed to convince her mom -over time- to let her have a bit more freedom in life and always made a point of trying to get her out of "house arrest" whenever possible. Needless to say, she led such a restricted life for so long that she's not very mature in the way of the world. Plenty book-smart, but she's lacking in street smarts and knowing how the world really works. Last year she met this guy, always liked him but never admitted it when people asked if she did. I saw it, though, but the guy (we'll call him Thom) would never have the guts or initiative to ask her out himself. So overall I got another of my guy friends (he likes playing matchmaker) to tell Thom to ask her out, and finally he did last February.
Needless to say, Rachel went cloud nine. Problem? She's never had anyone like her back before. A.K.A First Boyfriend Syndrome and she's wild over him and he's her everything. It actually wasn't that bad at first, I went straight out and told her how I was worried about third-wheeling and of course she swears that "Girl, you're my best friend and we're gonna be a tricycle which is super stable!" but now they've been dating fr nine months (roughly) and I'm more or less treated like trash by her. I'm only her friend when it's convenient. When it's not, I'm a nuisance whom she lies to and harasses constantly. Seriously, she lies to me daily and I finally got some solid evidence that matches the reports of my friends. Everyday it's verbal abuse from her, lies, and then she acts as though I'm making false accusations when we both know I'm not. And then her grades are failing -btw she's not asian though her mom is a grade stickler- because she's focusing more on Thom than anything else, and won't tell me her problems (snaps at me when I ask) but then expects me to know what's wrong. Everything's told to her boyfriend and I just get the trash treatment.
I personally don't feel that she's much of a friend to me anymore. And I should elaborate here and now that I have nothing against Thom. We're actually good friends, and I'm the one who has given him advice on how to treat Rachel when she's not in the best of moods because he's no good at the sympathetic bf thing himself. Of course, in turn he's perfect in her eyes and can do no wrong. Basically, what should I do? Should I drop her for being a terrible friend after choosing some guy she's known less than a year over our six-years of me being the only one who bothered being a real friend to her? Or am I being unfair? I know I don't quite get the boyfriend thing (asexual=guys are friends only) so maybe there's something I just don't understand about "being in love" with a guy. I just don't think she's mature enough to know what "love" really is and she's just accepting it because it's literally her drug. Am I just being a whiny, butt-hurt bitch?
Urgh. If you read all that, thanks. <3 Want some more explanation of anything, go ahead and tell me what to say. I just need some advice, y'know? Most of my school friends tell me she's not worth it and I shouldn't be dealing with this crap for her. Though others say not to simply because it would make things awkward. (We carpool to and from school, same classes, and usually work together as lab partners also with Thom).
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Post by MiNTY♥ on Nov 5, 2011 6:10:09 GMT -5
Minty shall be your agony aunt for the moment :3 Well I understand the boyfriend thing and I am really quite obsessed with him and closer to him than my friend I hate to admit, but that doesn't mean that I treat my friends with any less respect because I am still quite close to them and we still hang out and tell each other our problems. On the other hand I know what it's like to be 'the best friend' in a situation where your closest friend ever is dating a guy and totally ditches you for him which is the shittest feeling in the world. Honestly I ended up fighting with her about it a lot and we actually haven't been as close as we were to begin with since that, that's not to say we couldn't be if I tried but I'm ok with it right now.
So based in my experience I would say back off from your friendship with her for the moment and leave her to it, as soon as she gets hurt she will realise it's you who has been there all along and it wont happen instantly but deep down she will know that if she didn't have you she would be totally lost. So just focus on your other friends right now and hang out with him but sort of keep an eye on her from a distance and maybe just help Thom out with her? Maybe even you backing off a little will cause her a little panic which will result in her bringing you closer? Hopefully this helped but I will admit that girls get a bit blinded by their boyfriends, especially their first boyfriends and I will admit that I am one of those people in a way but I still feel like I spend time with my friends, so yeah, best of luck Duskey (: |
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Post by Dusk on Nov 5, 2011 15:05:47 GMT -5
Heh, thanks Minteh. That's some really solid advice; I think I'll go and see how that works out. It has to be better than making everything fester by being around and having her yell at me all the time. ^^; I just don't think that 9 months with a guy should result in trashing someone you've been good friends with for six years, though I understand how she might come to appreciate him more. At school a lot have been telling me to just put up with it because we have mostly the same friends and well... you can see how that'll get awkward quickly. 'Specially with her b-day in 2 weeks. </3 But you're right, she needs to realize what she's rejecting and maybe that'll help patch things up between us.
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Post by MiNTY♥ on Nov 5, 2011 16:47:37 GMT -5
Yeah well I'm not saying be mean to her or anything so it shouldn't make anything awkward in your group of friend just sort of put her at arms reach kind of thing if that makes sense, I don't want you being upset Dusky (:
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Post by Dusk on Nov 5, 2011 19:15:18 GMT -5
lolno, I never got "be mean" out of your post. xD It'll just be awkward being on an acquaintance level, 'specially when she's a petty sort of gal. xD
We'll see what happens I guess. Thanks again for the advice, I really think it'll help me turn things around. c:
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Post by LYNX ♥ on Nov 5, 2011 21:53:27 GMT -5
OKAY being in love or even being super infatuated with some bro should never ever ever mean you ditch, trash, or lose your friends! under any circumstances. she should have the maturity to know how to treat those who are close to her! however it is easy to get caught up in stuff like that so I suppose she should have a little leniency? I don't know, I wouldn't put any effort forth into your friendship if I were you, just let her fade away a little bit without completely letting her go, you know? just so that in the future you wont be suffering so much when she betrays you or whatever is going on there but stay close enough that she knows you've got her back if something goes horribly wrong in the relationship.
just remember that it's only highschool, so don't take anything too seriously. nothing good will come of it! :3 thats the best I've got.
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Post by LYNX ♥ on Nov 5, 2011 21:58:00 GMT -5
I just read minty's post and realized that's pretty much exactly what she said hahahaehehe. oh.
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Post by Dusk on Nov 5, 2011 22:20:07 GMT -5
lol lynxeh. xD
Hey, that just reinforces the idea if two people can give more or less the same set of advice then it's probably some good advice to follow. Glad to see I'm wasn't the only one contemplating just letting the friendship more or less drop without escalating into something bad. And yeah... she doesn't really realize that intelligent=/=mature, and she's sort of lacking in that category sadly. (Though that's also the reason I've tried to keep everything going since I wasn't sure if I was being totally unfair.) Heheh. Thanks to you also, Lynx.
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