lily, i'm over you.

[Dawn]

Can you tell me what was ever really special about me all this time?

"What you said when you left, just left me cold and out of breath."

Today was cold. Sunny, but cold; usually, the Vertigoclan camp was dark in itself, and in winter, even worse. Today, however, an odd golden brightness seemed to fill the clearing. It filled him, too. No, really! Jetfang was happy. So, so happy. In fact, he was just full to the brim with happiness. What was there to dwell on that was sad? He couldn't think of anything, no. There was nothing at all. Life had been completely normal for the last few moons, he was sure. Jetfang rolled onto his back, showing his black and white underbelly, and sighed. Oh, it's no use. He was trying hard to be happy, and blissfully ignorant... but it was proving impossible. Everything around Jetfang seemed to remind him of her. Literally, as he was looking at the world upside down, things seemed to be coming to him more clearly than normal. With his ears pointed at the snowy earth, perhaps the thoughts that were normally so tangled in his mind were now floating quite the right way? He imagined somehow that his brain, addled as it was, was wrong so that, lying upside down like so, he could think more clearly. He wasn't as stupid as he had been pretending recently, for one thing. All he had to do was look at one of the towering pines (which appeared to be growing, leaves first, from the sky) and he was thinking about Lilythorn. Perhaps the ticket was to pretend she was someone else. The first cat that immediately popped into mind was Shivermoon- but he quickly shook that off, and, considering, thought of a vague she-cat in his mind. This female had many characteristics different from the cream furred deputy. For one, her pelt was of a lightly scorched, ash gray color; for another, he knew her, that her name was Cinderfrost. The problem with pretending all of his problems had been with Crowpaw's mother, Cinderfrost, was the fact that he couldn't stop picturing her piercing blue eyes. They were the 'frost' of her name; cold, icy, beautiful, blue... Just like Lilythorn's. Jetfang gave up on trying to mentally block her out, and heaved a sigh. I might be losing this battle, but I'll win the war.

"I'm slowly getting closure, I guess it's really over."

He had tried to act on his feelings. The brawny black tom had tried, again and again, to act simply and patiently. But he was wearing thin. Though Jetfang was only a middle aged warrior, he looked much older lately. So instead of acting, he had taken to thinking. Mainly, because he couldn't just turn off his mind, and ignore his feelings entirely. Also because he was under the foolish impression that there was a solution for everything, and thus, helplessly continued looking for the answer. He wasn't much for it today though. His ability to reason was waning. The ebony tom needed someone to talk to, something to take his mind off the thoughts at current. Epiloguefrost, maybe? He considered the tom for a few moments. True, the two had always been good friends, but lately he had seen the younger tom keeping close company with Fawnleaf, and he was sore to admit that he was jealous. Not because his friend was with the pretty, young tortoiseshell in particular, of course. It was moreso that Epiloguefrost could have such a simple, happy relationship, and throughout his entire life, he hadn't managed to have even one that was brief. No, dwelling on this tom made him feel bitter; so he quickly pondered others he might seek out. His cousin, Silvertalon, perhaps? No... An image of the more experienced tom chatting with a young female appeared vividly in his mind... And he certainly couldn't speak to Flamingarrow like he had before, now... Are things ever going to be the same between us again? He should've been thinking of the fiery she-cat that had been his friend through all of this, yet instead he found his question being asked of Lilythorn. As no answer was to be seen, however, he forced himself, for what felt the hundredth time, to abandon such a line of thought.

WORD COUNT: 707 TAGGED: Lilythorn (Lily) NOTES: Listening to 'Over you' by Daughtry. Though the song doesn't really fit them perfectly, I must say. xD In many, many ways. But anyway, I hope there's something for you to say here. Sorry for the bad quality. c:

ANCK SU NAMUN OF CAUTION!

[lily ♫]

Everything had taken its toll on the pale ginger girl. Since the death of her favorite apprentice, her old friends, and even her most trusted confidante, Lilythorn really hadn't been quite the same. The only time she ever felt like herself again was when she was with Jetfang, but now she could only be with him in her dreams. Bound by the Warrior Code, as deputy of VertigoClan once more, Lilythorn could do nothing, just as always. Her heart was heavy and her mind fuzzy. Was what Pyrestar telling her the truth? Had she really been unappropriated by Lynxstar? Surely there must be a sign from somewhere, from someone. But no one had witnessed it and nothing could be changed now, not even the way she felt about the handsome black and white tom with his multi-colored gaze.

Her paws, dampened from the snow that had dropped incessantly from the sky since winter's first moon, carried her through the territory, as she spent most days in bitter solitude. Many of her 'friends' supported Pyrestar, not her, and it left her time to think. The patrols she assigned hardly held more than two cats as many simply ignored her orders. Lilythorn was fighting a battle that she wasn't going to win, and nothing could be done.

Her blue eyes wide with sorrow and how alone she truly felt within, movement from a small clearing ahead of her caused her to stop moving, and to watch. His obsidian fur contrasted with the bluish white tint of the snow, and her heartbeat accelerated quickly, pounding for the moments before he saw her. "J-jet..

[/u]" She started, she tried, but no words would rise from her maw and carry across the short distance between them. Her face was so broken, so sad, it was if happiness never truly came to her. She approached slowly, afraid he might run, avoid her, do anything to get away from her. It hurt so much, being afraid of what the one tom who meant the world to her might do next.

"Please..don't leave.[/u]" She murmured, her voice shaky, her eyes fighting back tears. Why was everything with him so complicated? Because it's forbidden. Lilythorn answered herself silently, closing her eyes for a moment. She was so tired of this, tired of everything not going her way. Why, she'd almost been relieved when she didn't have to take the place of leader, simply because it meant she had a chance to change things. To either let them happen, or to put a stop to them forever.

Now what could she say to him? Oh, I've missed you so much, Jet dear, now we still can't be together? I still like you, in fact, I love you very much, you mean the world to me, but this should end? StarClan, nothing could be harder. All she had tried to do for the last few moons was to avoid it all, see how it would work out for them, avoid all the hurt and heartbreak. The absence had only made it harder. She whispered quietly, her eyes glued to her paws and to the footprints she had made in the snow, her tail rigid against her body, afraid of what his response might be.

"I still need you, Jet.[/u]"

ooc: your post was so awesome and now mine's all "hey wow haven't rp'ed lily in awhile what's she like again? orite, a total emotional mess. K" xD i'm sorry, wow. uhm. yeah. if you manage to even reply to this i'll love you forever~![/blockquote][/blockquote][/justify]

[Dawn]

Can you tell me what was ever really special about me all this time?

"What you said when you left, just left me cold and out of breath."

The last thing he had expected today was to be approached with the object of his misery, and yet there she was standing in front of him anyway. He realized rather heatedly that he was still laying on his back in the cool snow, and quickly rolled over, so that his rough black pelt was smeared with ebony patches. Jetfang was weaker now, and he was tired of all the drama that had gone through his life. True he was still young enough, but he felt more ancient as time passed, and there was a certain cold, stiffness in his body... He had no energy to run as Lilythorn seemed to think him so apt to do. Of course, he had run before, but never from her. He would never try to put distance between himself and the deputy, when he had wanted so badly for them to stand side by side. No, it was her, that had run from him. Surely he had contributed to the chasm between them, but she had, physically, run from him. And he had never forgotten that, how guilty and ashamed and disgusting he felt as he watched her fleeing from him. Like he had done something terrible to her. Like he was the culprit. She had made him feel like that, and he wasn't hasty to remind her. Lilythorn appeared delicate now, fragile; perhaps growing weak, as he had been. He knew that she could lash out with just as much speed, however, and so he remained still and silent as he gazed up at her. Only when he noticed the distinct difference did he slowly and carefully shift to his paws, so that they might look at each other eye to eye.


"I'm slowly getting closure, I guess it's really over."

There seemed to be aimless, hopeless purpose in the cream female today, so he forced himself not to say anything. Emotion flitted across his stoic face, but he could find himself feeling neither happiness nor sadness in purity. If he betrayed the angry feelings in his stomach, that things hadn't gone right for them, that he should've known it all along, she would likely draw away, as though stricken. And then, though he hadn't laid a claw on her, hadn't spoken a word, he knew he would feel empty guilt. If he showed his happiness that, after so long, they were speaking again... he would simply be digging the hole deeper. Nor could he be completely sad to see her; so, feeling little but confusion, Jetfang tightened his muscles and forced himself to appear a blank. He was determined not to screw up anything else around her, and would've almost preferred to pretend as if they had never had anything to the pain she was dealing him. It was impossible to act this way, though, as she had taken the first step and opened up the conversation with plain emotion. In short, Jetfang simply couldn't bear to hurt her. Not anymore, not now, when she was going through enough without him.

"And now I'm picking up the pieces."

Troubled amber and blue depths eyed her warily as she spoke: I still need you, Jet. A bitter thing embraced him fully, but he just couldn't accuse her of not needing him enough when he was denying that this was either of their faults. He was sank into deep, deep denial, but yet a little voice continually whispered, "It's your fault, Jetfang... It's always been your fault." The sunny ambiance to the camp seemed to change abruptly. Jetfang was certainly no longer feeling 'warm and sunny.' "What for, Lilythorn?" He was careful to keep his tone light and soft, and decided to interpret her words cautiously. "Do you need a patrol done?" There was a stab of anger in his voice as he gazed at the warrior's den, "It doesn't matter that the others won't, I can lead it and I can get Silvertalon to come along, too." He was sure that his cousin, massive in size for his maine coon blood, would also support the rightful deputy.

WORD COUNT: 694 TAGGED: Lilythorn (Lily) NOTES: Silly Jetfang has decided to take charge of where this conversation is going. "I need you." "Oh, to do what?"

ANCK SU NAMUN OF CAUTION!

[lily ♫]

His words hurt her, as if she'd been lashed out on by one of the strongest warriors of an enemy clan. She flinched and turned her head to the side, her eyes shutting in pain, her face contorted in a wince of unbelievable pain. Opening her eyes slightly, she felt and saw tears beginning to bubble over and out of her blue eyes. "Does that mean I've lost you then?

[/u]" Lilythorn whispered, her voice cracking as she use dall of her strength to get the words to come out. Sniffing the air, she turned her gaze back to his own multi-colored one. "Does it mean we're nothing?[/u]"

Her gaze hardened, turning icey and stony all at once. She was sick of this, she really was. It was always a game with him, he made her make the hardest decisions, it was always up to her. Lilythorn had to decode his cryptic words and dance around lightly so as not to hurt him or offend him. By StarClan, she'd had enough of it. "Well you sure as hell mean something to me, and I'm through with playing these games.[/u]" She spat venomously, her tone, her expression, even her body language converting to an entirely different one.

"I can't change what's happened even though it'd be a lot easier for you if I could, wouldn't it? Well, Jetfang, the world doesn't revolve around either of us. It revolves around everyone and everything, and we're just a small part of that.[/u]" Lilythorn continued, restraining herself to keep her voice even and as cool as she could manage. "I've lived a pretty damn miserable life and avoiding you and trying to please you isn't helping. Do you get it now?[/u]" The pale ginger deputy cried, her voice growing louder as she went. To hell with bottling it up anymore! She was sick to her stomach from all the moping she'd done since Abyssbrid died! Bad things happened, and they weren't going to stop. Jetfang had to realize that. "You know very well I'd be with you if I could, so stop ignoring me![/u]"[/blockquote][/blockquote][/justify]

[Dawn]

Can you tell me what was ever really special about me all this time?

"What you said when you left, just left me cold and out of breath."

He knew his calm tone, his unrippling facial expressions, would infuriate her. Lilythorn seemed to hate it when every cat wasn't as dramatic as her in response. What did she want from him? Tears? Confessions? Secret telling? Did she expect him to split his heart into pieces, all for a relationship that had never carried on past friendship? They weren't kits anymore, for Starclan's sake! She had said it moons before, herself; they were both getting old. He wasn't up for wild adventurous, scurrying around through the forest, narrowly escaping death by her side. Of course he cared, damn it. He would fight 'till the end for her, would do anything he could on her command. If worse came to worse, he would even renounce his warriorship in Vertigoclan for her sake. But he wasn't going to ruin himself, like she seemed so apt to do, because he cared. Jetfang wasn't a martyr, bent on destroying himself over every tiny little thing, turning disappointments into miseries as she did. "Lilythorn," and the use of her complete name was evident wholly, "We can't go on loving each other and not being able to, hating each other for the very thing most cats desire the most." He refused to avert his eyes from her's, though for the length that she had spoken they had burned furiously.

Jetfang sighed, and the feeling was of his emotions slowly escaping into the cool winter air as mist. "You haven't lost me. You will never lose me." His tone had softened only a little, and he ached to resort to his old quirk of unsheathing his claws deep into the ground. It was something she had reprimanded him for before. Through her entire speech, however, he had resisted the urge that was building to yowl at her. He wasn't going down the road. Even when Flamingarrow had howled at him, he had refused to do it in return. He wasn't going to get angry, let his emotions overflow. Jetfang let Lilythorn get it out, as her words became louder and louder, so that the entire camp was sure to hear. Realization had dawned on him, at the same time. This was always what the deputy did to him. She released her tensions onto him, because he had always been, or so he thought, a faithful shoulder. But it was becoming too much. She was taking their friendship too far. He was growing weary of her trashing him all the time, always pushing all of her worry and sadness onto him, and her anger when she felt like it. Slowly but surely, she was breaking him, and this was what made him want to pull away even more... Friendship was meant to be a mix of give and take. But even as her history had been fed to him, even as her insults had been thrown, Jetfang himself had never raised his voice with her. For a long time, he thought of these things, remaining silent.

"I'm slowly getting closure, I guess it's really over."

Trying to please me? He thought bitterly, and withdrew the urge to spit at the ground. Instead, his mismatched eyes continued to glitter into her's, and anger sparked there to match Lilythorn's. "What do you want from me?" He muttered hoarsely, a sliver of ice in his voice. "I have been your faithful servant, your loyal friend. I have always been there for you, when you needed someone to vent to, a shoulder to cry on, a friend to escape with. I have been there when no one else was, and never have I done anything purposely to hurt you. Lilythorn, I have given you everything, everything that I can. But you ask for too much from a simple warrior. What would you ask of me?" He gave in, and scratched his claws along the surface of the snow underfoot. "Do you want me to rip my heart out and present it to you whole? Or would you prefer to do that yourself?" He muttered, frustration coursing through his body as he looked at the scratch marks upon the ground.

"And now I'm picking up the pieces."

He looked at her jerkily at last, seemingly having pondered the indents in the snow. Jetfang's eyes continued to blaze. His voice, however, did not raise to tell everyone that he was angry. "I understand that you can't be with me. So stop trying to push us together, to put us through more misery than either of us deserves." His tail lashed faintly. He was under no ridiculous thought that they would ever be together, and it wasn't as if he'd been boasting about the camp that they were 'mates' or some silly thing. Neither had he complained to anyone else about their troubles. He wanted to move on. "Maybe you can't accept it, Lilythorn, but I'm done getting hurt. You will never lose my loyalty, nor my love- but you're right. We can never be together, and I've accepted that. We're done."

WORD COUNT: 847 TAGGED: Lilythorn (Lily) NOTES: Yup, he may have talked more than he ever has in his entire life, but I think this was a good post for him.

ANCK SU NAMUN OF CAUTION!

[lily ♫]

"We're done?

[/u]" She hissed, the words slipping through her clenched jaws as the hysteria inside of her rose. No! They couldn't be done! All the creamy ginger she-cat with her bright blue eyes and all the hurt from her life damaging her, why all she wanted was him. The black and white tom comforting her with his blue and amber eyes, telling her it would all be alright. But Jetfang had never once been like that.

She believed in a wisp of a tom that had never been there. Sure, he had supported her, even said he loved her, and now he was ending it because he was hurt? But it was okay because he'd still be there for her. To hell with it! She'd hurt for moon after moon, and he hadn't ever denied her anything, not once told her to take her sorrows elsewhere, to dump them on some other she-cat or tom. Lilythorn didn't have anyone else. She really had lost him.

"No, Jetfang. This is me losing you. I don't want to see you, I don't want to talk to you. I don't care if I ever see you again. You're just a bitter whiny tom who mopes around all day and denies everyone who loves him. Damnit, Jet![/u]" She cried, tears flying off and down her face as she shook her head. Her heart was heavy, and she couldn't stop the anger. She didn't mean one thing that she had said. Of course she didn't. But when the one you loved hurt you the most, you could only fight back with false words to protect yourself from them.

"If we're done, stay away from me and I'll stay away from you. Deal?[/u]" She whispered hoarsely, staring at him with the firey intensity of betrayal and heartbreak. "If I need a patrol done, I'll let Silvertalon know, because as I far as I know, he's not done with me.[/u]" Were the last words she spat, the downward spiral of despair spinning inside of her. All these moons she'd spent trying to just be friends, trying to show that she cared more, comforting him when he was ill, it was all for nothing. He didn't really care, did he?

That's what every female asks herself when its he who ends their relationship with the feeble excuse of "we're better without each other." Now she was frozen, peering at him with so much passion, as if she hated him. No, she just wanted to be loved by him and only him, and that would never happen. She couldn't stand to hear anymore hurtful words, so the ginger deputy stood up shakily and turned around, stalking alone out of camp, the sorrow rolling off her in waves.

ooc: =weep= poor them, awh man. :c if only we could tell 'em everything was going to be okay.[/blockquote][/blockquote][/justify]

[Dawn]

Can you tell me what was ever really special about me all this time?

"What you said when you left, just left me cold and out of breath."

His anger with her just continued to rise in his chest at her words of disbelief. But he couldn't take them back, nor would he. They were done, and that was all there was to it. He was tired of the deputy taking advantage of him, hurting him for what she thought was the greater good. He was worn, and aging, and all he wanted was to be left alone for a good long while, to hope that he'd live through the winter without catching sick again. These were the few things Jetfang knew he was going to try and hold onto. Flamingarrow had never been his friend, so he knew she wouldn't stand by him when Lilythorn was gone. She was never really his friend, more like Lilythorn's spy, and the one that delivered the important messages, the ones that, in all of her tears, Lilythorn had failed to deliver... She loves you, Jet. The words of the fiery pelted female rang through his mind, as good as any flesh ripping agony. What had he done to deserve the things that had happened? There had never been a shoulder to cry on for him, one that he could pour all of his frustrations and heart break into. So he had kept quiet, listening to the problems of others, never speaking of his own. He had done his best to mentor Cinderfrost's son, Crowpaw, done his best to be as good as a father to him, even when all along, he had known who Crowpaw's true father was. He had tried to be as good as mate to Lilythorn, standing by her, when all along, he had known they could never be mates. Jetfang had tried, damn hard, to befriend the cats that needed him, and to train Gloompaw. To defend the honor of their wise old leader, Lynxstar. To hold on, desperately, to Shivermoon. But in the end, he had failed at everything. Frankly, he was just getting tired of trying to hold onto things that weren't there.

I don't want to see you, I don't want to talk to you. I don't care if I ever see you again. He clawed furiously into the ground at that, a soft hiss in his open jaws. "You could've fooled me." Jetfang spat softly, still refusing to raise his voice. You're just a bitter whiny tom who mopes around all day and denies everyone who loves him. At that he snorted. "Yeah? Well maybe I am. But at least I'm not some empty, hollow she-cat that gave too much early in her life, so now goes around trying to empty out her friends, desperately searching for the ONE thing she's missing!" He withdrew, breathing loudly as though he had just been through a fight. Lilythorn was the only one that could put him through this much hell, and still have his heart, which was beating wildly in his chest.

"I'm slowly getting closure, I guess it's really over."

Deal? Jetfang lashed his tail without agreement. He had already been following that, keeping to himself, sleeping in the very corner of the warrior's den despite the cold. After he had moved to the utmost edges his massive, furry cousin had followed him. Silvertalon, with his mass of silver fur, lent warmth and comfort to Jetfang on the coldest nights. It was a reminder that at least someone had not given up on him, and had never asked more that he had to give. Jetfang refused to turn away from the deputy though, he had it in his mind, he knew what she wanted, and what she was going to do. It was her style. It was how she did things. He didn't agree, either, that she would find his cousin, but instead remained silent, a steely look on his face.

"And now I'm picking up the pieces."

After she was finished cursing him, through with playing with his heart, she did as he had known from the beginning she would. She turned and stalked out of camp. It was the second time in his life that she had walked away from him, and left him standing alone. He would never run from her, not physically, even if he was forcing her to have a little bit of independence and stand alone now. But he knew that was what she would do. And, with a sickening feeling of dread in his stomach, Jetfang knew it was the last time- Lilythorn was never, at least to him, coming back.

WORD COUNT: 764 TAGGED: Lilythorn (Lily) NOTES: All done I'm thinking, since Lily is gone. D: /closes thread

ANCK SU NAMUN OF CAUTION!