Drea has some issues.

[lace !]

Alright, so before I begin, I want to put a fair disclaimer that this is a whiney post. A somewhat rant. None of my friends will hear this anymore- which I find dumb, because I don't remember really talking about this. And I listen to their damn problems every day of my life. But eh, whatcha gonna do? I mean, yeah. Anyways, I'm saying you don't have to really read this. But it will feel nice to write it out- and put it somewhere where he can't see it, but others can. A little peace of mind thing, y'know? So yeah.

Alrighty, well, it all kinda starts with a classic cliche. I'm in love with my best friend. I've liked him for years. But I never told any of my friends I liked him. I mean, why would I? I didn't want people to know- I thought it was so cliche; and that I would get over it. But I didn't. So seventh grade comes, and I'm dying to let something out, because he got his first girlfriend. I hated her, too. Anyways, I told a friend or two, and then they told me I could talk to them about it anytime I needed. Well, about a month later, I had a nasty, ugly rumor go around about me, and everyone but my 'friends' teased me and bullied me. But then he was so nice to me, and stood up for me. He made the pain all go away. So I kinda fell even further into the hole. And that's when I called on my friends for help.

I told them I didn't want to be in love with him- he was my best friend. I wanted to like some guy who barely knew I existed. But no, I had to go and fall for him. [Let's call him James, by the way.] So I counted on my friends, and y'know what they did? Ditched me. I didn't really even talk about him- more the bullying, but they told me they got sick of it. So I stopped talking about it. And then one day, January 21st to be exact, I was at a skating rink with my friend Courtney, and she started getting all over these guys. They were all over her, too, and not me, so I felt really insecure and sad and lonely. I escaped to the bathroom, and texted James- it's the only thing I kinda thought of doing. That's the only thing I did when I was sad at that point. So he responded back, and I told him what happened. I opened up, a lot more then I meant, (because I'm just that type of person whose guarded beyond belief) and then I asked him not to leave me. I couldn't go home because no one could pick me up and Court was my ride home, and he told me he would never leave me. He told me he's always be there for me.

Imagine how I felt. I was like a leech on a foot, by then. I just sucked onto him. Stupid, I know. But still; it couldn't be helped. Because from that day on, I opened up to him more than I ever had before, even with us being best friends and all. I just kept falling more and more for him. Unbelievably fast and hard, too. So I told him how I felt one day. Out of the blue, in a random conversation, because I felt daring, and I really thought he liked me too. (He had broken up with his girlfriend by now.) And I remember that it felt like YEARS waiting for his reply. And then he said "Harley..." and I got happy. But then he told me he didn't like me. Just like that. I don't even think he blinked while doing it. I was so crushed.

I spiraled into one of my many period of chronic depression, and kinda stopped talking to him. Until the next November, when we started talking again. And I forgave him, apology and all, and we became friends again. Still, I was in love with him, and then here comes January again. January 29th. I was going to have a sleep over at my friend Emily's house, but as I was packing, I was texting James, and I without thinking, I texted him something I shouldn't. I honestly forget what it was- it was something so tiny. I did it without realizing, but in a way, I told him I like him. He got the hint (for once) too, and we got in a little argument. He told me, and I quote: "Look, Harley. I don't like you, and I never have. But I don't hate you, either. Never have, never will. But I'm only your friend. And I can't continue being so if it gets awkward between us every time you tell me you like me. You need to stop getting attached to guys who talk to you."

And that was it. I cancelled the sleep over, and never texted him back. I never talked to him again, as a matter of fact. I couldn't even look at him I was so hurt. And he never, ever, tried to talk to me, either. Not at school, home, outside, nothing. Even after it had been four months, he wouldn't. And I know he tried to give me space, but there came the time where I just stopped caring. I got so depressed and lonely, I gave up. I didn't even call him on his birthday. The rumor was back, but I didn't care. I kept to myself quietly. And then came two months before school ended. And he started dating my best friend, Alex.

So I apologized to James, for both our sake. I said I was sorry, and we made up. We kinda talked again. It felt good. And then Alex moved to Arizona. 3,000 miles away. He was crushed, and they broke up. (But as she put it "not because [we] wanted to, but because [we] had to." So sadly, I took advantage of her absence. and made a move. We started talking again, and then high school started. And I'm in every single one of his classes. I made it through a quarter of the year being best friends again, and NOT telling him I like him.

Everyone swears to God he doesn't know, either. Even my friend Sam, whose the expert, said she couldn't tell. But then things started happening, and I got so confused. You see, I promised myself I wouldn't tell him again. Like, ever. I wasn't going to risk our friendship. But then I over heard him in class one day, talking about how he still liked Alex. And I almost cried. And then a week or so later, we were working on a Biology paper together, and he called me Alex.

I did cry. And then like the story book cliche, the teacher made him my Bio partner. I used to hate Biology, but now it's the only class I look forward to, cause I get to sit next to him. <3 Anyways, things started happening. Like, in gym, whenever it was his teams vs mine, his friends would always leave him to guard me. (Granted, in a whole another novel, the guys in my grade kind of mostly dislike hate me, but still.) And then after I broke my ankle, he texted me the second school ended. He was the only one who asked me if I was okay that day. And he took care of me while I was on crutches.

And then there are just little moments, where I just swear to God he either knows I like him, or he likes me too. But then the next second, it's over, and it's like we're only friends again. And at homecoming, he went with my friend Leanne, and when he walked in he commented on my dress and said 'Lookin nice" and stuff. (I tried to slow dance with him, but couldn't get the courage.) And it's been a while now, and I don't know how much longer I can hold it in.

Like, everything I do anymore- he's become a part of. And so has Alex. Like when I'm getting ready in the morning, and getting dressed, first I think 'What would Alex wear?" and then "Would James like this?" and dress accordingly. And during school, I always walk in front of him and stuff, and I like dressing nicer for him now. And it's just... Sad. Like, pitiful. Like, today, for example, was dress up day for NHS coronation. I was so excited all week because I had this stellar dress, hot, kinda short, and all, with boots and leggings. And when I put it on this morning, I, for once, (due to my low self esteem) thought I was pretty good looking. I show up to school, and he wasn't there today. The first time this year, and it had to be today.

Which brings me to another point of my emotional day. Due to as mentioned before, the guys kind of disliking me, bullying me, and hating me, I have a bad reputation. And this guy, I used to like, Chris, well, he hates my guts. And I know he does, too. I know there's no point in liking him anymore, so I don't. But anyways, he won't even look at me anymore. He has his friends tease me instead. But today, he walked into school, and, yes, for once in my life, I'm going to brag, he looked at me. Like, checked me out. And the only thing I could think was "Victory is MINE!" because I knew so much that he didn't want to be. In fact, I bet part of him died. A lot of that happened today. But none of it mattered to me, because James wasn't there.

Which is just pitifully sad. I think I'm obsessed with him. And I don't know what to do. At all. I'm so close to just bursting, and telling him how I feel. But I don't want to make things awkward and ruin our friendship. But... I'm dying on the inside. As a closing to his long long long letter, I'm going to include a letter I wrote and pasted on Facebook. (I blocked him from it and didn't give details. But I think it says a lot.)

Dear Boy I Like,
Let me start off by saying: I really, really wish I didn't like you. That's no understatement, either. Because in my opinion, one of the worst things in life, is waking up knowing that thing you want most in life, is just outside your reach. Whenever I wake up feeling like that, I don't want to get out of bed. And I don't want to blame any of this on you, because it's not really your fault. You're just an amazing person- it's who you are. But life has a weird way of throwing things unexpectedly in your path. Like me beginning to like you. Every bit of all this is true- and I really, honestly, wish you knew. But I'm kind of glad you don't, because I don't quite know what I would do if you did know. I can't picture myself holding hands with you, or being that story-book couple. Whenever I try to think of us together, my mind draws a blank, and I've been wondering for years why exactly that is. But we can't always know everything.
When I first met you, I thought you were different. You didn't let what other people said, get to you. You didn't care what people threw in your path- you could overcome anything. I liked that. I liked that you believed in yourself. You didn't give up, even when everyone else had. That sparked something inside of me. It showed me that not everything was as bad as it seemed. I saw how even though people teased and made fun of you, you could still walk around with your head held high. Life wasn't only black and white. Somehow, you could still look them in the eyes, and show them you could take it. I liked that- a lot. I didn't really know you, I only knew you from my classes. But then I started watching you, trying to learn. I wanted to learn how to let things roll of my shoulder. It amazed me, how someone could call you names right to your face, and you could still smile. I wanted to do that, too.
So I got the courage up, and I talked to you. One step at a time. Day one, it was a small hello. Day two, it was a little conversation comment. Day three, small talk. Before I knew it, I was obsessed with talking to you. It didn't matter you weren't all you appeared to be; you were better. And yet, I knew there was still so much more I didn't know. That's what kept me going- that's what drove me. And all this happened just in time for my world to explode. My friends began to abandon me, and I desperately needed a life preserver. I needed something to keep me floating, even when sharks were on the prowl. You were that thing. You let me find the sun behind the clouds, the fun in the rain. And I liked that. Too much, even.
And here we are, years later, with me feeling the exact same way I had began to feel from day one. Every moment with you has been painstakingly breathtaking, in a small, comforting way. You've helped to show me the beautiful shades of grey in the world, the ones I never knew existed. And as sappy as this all sounds, whenever I'm with you, I swear those greys turns into colors. Bright, bold colors, that inspire me. Do you realize, you're half of the stories behind my writing? Not in a realistic way, but in some form or another, you're apart of them. I try to hide it, too, although I really don't know why. You're not someone I should be ashamed of liking- at all. You can make anyone laugh, anyone smile, and anyone see the day just a bit happier.
In fact, if I didn't know better, I would say you've inspired a lot of famous artists. Because a lot of songs fit exactly how I feel about you, including the ones about you never knowing. A special quote tends to come to mind: "Everytime I look at you, I can't hardly say a thing, my head starts to spin. And everytime you look at me I could go crazy but I don't say it cause I'd rather be alone, than lose you. And all I really wanna do is stand next to you, but I'm too tired to fight. I would tell you now, but baby nevermind." I think that kind of says it all right there. I think it shows just how much your smile brightens my day, and how much just hearing your voice makes the clouds go away. But all of this means nothing if you don't feel the same.
I know I'm getting a bit sappy, so I'm going to sum it up. In the end, we've had our ups and our downs, our ins and our outs. We've both fought and cherished, survived and thrived. I think that's what makes our friendship so special to me- no one else treats me quite like you do. No one else sees me like you do, and no one else could make me feel the way I do. You're a really special person, not just to me; and I know that if I could only just tell you that, things might work out. The words just never seem to be able to roll off my tongue. I don't think you have a clue how many times I've opened my mouth to say something, and then shut it, because I was too scared. Or how many times I've watched you from across the room, wishing I could have the courage to say something. I don't think you've ever noticed the way I stutter and stumble when we're alone, or what shade of pink my cheeks turn when you tell me I look nice. Hopefully, maybe, one day, you will be able to tell me exactly what color that is. Maybe one day, I won't just look nice, I'll look something better, like something you want.
But in the end, I think it all just boils down to me getting the courage to tell you. I hope that one day I will- even if I no longer feel the same. But for now, I think I'll just blush in silence, and smile in my sleep. Perhaps things are better this way, after all. In fact, I think I'll even block this from you. Because now it not the time- and if there ever is a time, it shouldn't be by some stupid letter. It should be face to face. And I'm not going to care what anyone says about this, because I did this for myself, not for anyone else. I wrote this, to prove to myself that I could do it. I acknowledged my feelings- for once I didn't hide. And I believe that, in itself, is enough reason. After all, it is better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all.
Love,
Harley

So, yeah. The end. /:

[Wolfy]

</3 I don't think you realize how much this speaks to me. This is a combination of two guys in my life. I'm one of those people that can like two guys at once. It made me cry Lace. I even write both of them into my stories too! I have thousands of poems that are about the other guy, Austin. It's like I'm obsessed with them both. >.< I understand exactly how you're feeling and I too wrote a note to the guy [Sterling] through Facebook. I wrote mine in the honesty box and I made it so obvious that he knew who I was. Please, here's the note:

How do you tell someone you like them and if they don't like you, how do you get over that awkwardness afterward? I asked you this question this morning after class. Do you remember it? I almost told you something before you left for your next class. I almost told you something before you left to go home. Here is what I almost and wished I had told you: I like you a bunch. You mean a great deal to me. I wish I had enough words to describe you. Honestly, you'd make me the happiest friend on earth if you liked me back, but you might not. It's just that fear of everything being awkward. So yes, I have very strong feelings for you, Sterling Brooks. Plus you're one of my best friends. I can tell you anything. Like that day you asked me what was wrong between me and one of my other best friends, I said we got in a fight because I didn't tell her something. You asked me what that something was and I was hesitant; I didn't answer because the answer was "I didn't tell her I liked you a lot" like "A LOT". Then I was upset because I didn't tell her I had "asked you out" sort of speak. Really I kind of asked you out to a fun event, but I suppose in any event, really I was asking you out on a date. And really, at that moment I wasn't thinking it was a date, but then everyone kept saying it was going to be a triple date. Sigh, and then, when we went to this party, you began dancing with me. Haha, yeah right, "dancing". You pulled me up to you and I didn't want to make eye contact with you because you know how that makes me feel, it makes me feel awkward. I told you that at the pep band shindig. I told you that I don't like meeting eye contact with people because it just makes me feel funny. Especially when I'm playing my instrument. Then that dancing thing, well it was with you. I wanted to tell you right there how I felt about you, but I didn't. I get jealous really quickly too, if you hadn't noticed. Anytime you "flirted" with someone else, I got mad because, well I like you and it hurt. It hurts now because I want to tell you so bad, but I want to do it in person. I want to tell you I like you, I want to tell you how much you mean to me in my life, and I want us to be more than friends. I almost told you at the concert. But I didn't because your dad was right there and I didn't want to interupt your conversation. You also just got out of a really bad break-up and some people say I shouldn't even be bringing this up right now, but I can't help it! I'll explode if I don't get this to you somehow. This will be submitted anonymously, but even you could figure this out who I am. I've given you many clues and I don't want to tell you over a message that I like you. This is horrible still even because it's over freakin Facebook! I feel pathetic, but it's an Honesty Box. Come on, it's in the title to be Honest. Well I am being honest. I like you a lot, as in more than a friend. You are smart, sweet, nice, caring, loving, funny, fun to be around, exciting, amazing, handsome, gentle, joyful, charming, talented, unique, awesome, strong, careful, understanding, respectful, real, lovable, artistic, protective, I could go on forever.. :] If you've noticed, it took me the entire character selection they gave me to write you this note. I wanted to use up all the characters I could be allowed because you are worth it. Sterling, you mean the world to me, I don't want our friendship to go away, but if you do like me the way I like you, then I want to go out with you, but if you don't like me that way, I understand that decision. Just promise me something: Promise that nothing will be awkward between us. Promise that we will still be friends if you reject me because I don't want to loose a friend as good as you. I don't want to loose you at all. So please, whatever the answer isWell, you know because I've already stated it a few thousand times in here. In any case, in any message, or in any way this comes out to you, it still comes down to three important words that I don't want to be taken as awkward. So, Sterling Brooks, from me to you: I like you.

You know the worst part, he still calls me his girl and his sweet Katie and all of these special little names, but I love him so much. DX He is like my best friend. Here's where I think I was shot: He told me he liked me, he really did. We were right about to go out. There was a movie party we both went to and we snuggled on the couch. Yes, snuggled. I laid on his lap and stomach and he had his arms wrapped around me. About 2 weeks later, he decides he's going to date Casey. [this girl i knew liked him.] She stole him from me. How do I get over that? Even today, she tells me that she's so glad we're friends. She tells all her friends how great I am. Whatever. I'm only her friend because Sterling has issues with her. I didn't want to be that person that gave up on him when he started to date Casey [she hates all of his friends, his friends hate her, therefore his friends sometimes even hate him]. I told him that he could tell me anything. I wasn't going to break that promise. Even now today he complains about Casey and he always comes to me for warm, lovey hugs. I want to just look into his eyes and say, "I still love you. You know I do. And deep down underneath the Casey disease, I know you love me too."

That's only Sterling mind you. The boy I was talking about the other day with you and minters was Austin. He's a problem just within himself. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to rant in here. I just needed to get it out, like you.

I love ya Lace, you know that. And I'm sorry for what's going on. For me, I just think of them still, but try to get out of dwelling on it. I keep myself busy in the time being. I hope that things turn up for you Harley. "The sun'll come out, tomorrow. Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, they'll be sun. Just thinkin' about tomorrow, clears away the cobwebs and the sorrow. Till there's none. When I'm stuck with a day, that's grey, and lonely. I just stick out my chin and grin and say: the sun'll come out tomorrow come what may."

Love ya,
Katie